Camo man and I broke up about a month ago- a few days after my last post. That is why I have not posted anything- I felt so embarrassed and ashamed and did not want to talk about it. But I finally feel like I am at the point where I can do so. Essentially, a long story short, it turns out he had been cheating on me almost the entire time since I moved up to Raleigh. I just do not understand how people can go through their lives with blatant disregard for anyone else in the world. It is insane to me. I have spent many many a nights the past 5 weeks crying myself to sleep. And while I am sure there will be more to come, I am beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel. While there are still so many other emotions wrapped into it (love, hate, hurt, etc.) part of me almost feels free. It has forced me to actually get out and enjoy life in the NOW. Not sitting at home waiting for my boyfriend to get off work so we can skype- little did I know while I was sitting at home waiting on him all night he was off fucking other women and lying to me about having to stay late at work. I had started growing suspicious of this, his lies slowly began adding up less and less, then basically it all came to a head one night when he was “working late” again and I called his cell phone and a GIRL answered it, giggling and teasing me. Guess the jokes on me… how funny. I think what hurt the most was just his indifference to the whole thing. Not only did he completely rip my heart out- he did not even care that he did. He still does not care. And I know that he is just going on living his happy little life, while I am up here completely shattered. And I hate him for it. So he can go back to being a drug-dealing, college flunk-out, like he was when I met him. And I will go on being awesome. Have fun losing all of your scholarships, dropping out of college and probably ending up in prison where you belong. I will move on, and be enormously successful.
So in my last post I talked about how I was moving into my beautiful perfect townhouse- well he screwed me over there too. Since he was planning on moving up here and we were supposed to live there together. So I am completely screwed over in that aspect. But thankfully I have been able to find some other places I think are decent and affordable on my now single person income. I have it narrowed down to my top 3 so far, and will be moving in July.
In my last post I also talked about my upcoming trip to Florida. Another way he screwed me over, since all of this happened just days before I was going down there and left me with nowhere to stay. But my Pretty Bitches saved the day! Instead of doing all the things I had planned before, with him, my girls ended up finding us a camp site and we went camping for a few days! So we spent the week on the beach and in the woods- single handedly my two favorite things to do in the world! It ended up being a lot of fun. Someone could have made an awesome comedy out of the 3 off us trying to camp though- between trying to cook, make a fire and pitch a tent.
But all of this feels like it happened so long ago. When I first got back, it was really hard just trying to make it through each day. But so much has happened since then. For instance, I filed my taxes for the first time ever. I also had my first review ever, and got my first raise ever! Also, my boss is going to do a one-on-one mentorship with me. During my review she basically told me she wants to get me promoted as quickly as possible and is going to work on side projects with me to get my name out there. I am really excited and pumped to have a real goal to work towards!
And of course I have been coping in the best way I know how- going out as much as possible. As I said earlier, in a sense it has freed me. I have met more people and done more things in the past month than I had the entire six months prior living here. I went and saw a Michael Jackson tribute band which was AMAZING. Then this past weekend I went out to this indie show The Naked and Famous in this back alley little venue out in Chapel Hill that made me feel like I was in high school all over again. And on the way back we played cash cab with the cab driver, except I was the one asking the questions! Haha.
And then of course, I have been dating. Dating is so much different as a big girl. It’s no longer these going to “hang out” at a tailgate party or “do you wanna chill?” crap that guys always did in college because they do not have the balls to take a real lady out on a real date. It is like real life dates with real life adults. And that is something I am glad I am getting to experience. It is hard for me to explain why it is so different, but it just is. And it just adds to me feeling like a little yuppie, going out to these downtown bars and having a cocktail after work. HA!
So much has happened, and I have been on every notch of the emotion scale in the past month, it is hard for me to sit here and pinpoint the highlights in some concise and witty form for you to read. I knew I was making a decision to change my life when I decided to move here. I knew lots would change, things would be different, and there would be a lot of growing up and new experiences. However, I did not think this was going to happen in any way shape or form.
“Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.”
It is hard for me to say I am better because of it, but if not better, I am bigger. I am a bigger person, I am bigger than the situation, I am bigger than being defeated. I am a Big Girl.
Love always,
Elle
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