So I spent all of Thanksgiving alone. Completely alone. And it really affected me much more than I thought. Everything here is so different than I anticipated. I knew I would be away from my friends and family. I know I made that choice. But I thought I would make new friends, create my own family. And nothing of the sort has happened. And I do not really know how to make it happen.
Black Friday was insane. I had a slight melt down where I locked myself in my office for 30 minutes and cried. Not to mention I was awake at 3:15 in the morning and worked a 13 hour shift, but I had horrible rude customers all day long screaming at me. I do not understand what is wrong with people. I do not understand what is wrong with our society. It makes me sick. And it makes me actively think about how I treat strangers, and even those not strangers, I interact with day to day. I made a promise to myself to never make some feel the way those awful people make me feel.
Since then things have gotten a little better here and there, small successes throughout the day. But December looks grim. From tomorrow, December 1st, until Christmas day, I have 3 days off (and one of them is not Christmas Eve). I am trying to stay positive, but I just feel like there is no way it will not completely suck. Especially with the type of customers we have coming in lately. All I can pray for is that it will go by fast and I can go back to a somewhat normal life.
But I think what kills me the most is that I have nothing to look forward to. No one to lean on. So instead I will bitch to my blog audience that probably does not even really exist.
On the upside, I really do enjoy the Holidays- even if I have no one to enjoy them with. I decided I am going to get a mini Christmas tree to put on my counter top and decorate for myself! I especially love watching all the classic holiday clay-mation cartoons.
Today was one of the last days off I am going to have in a while. When I first moved here I stumbled upon this little used book store in Apex, NC. Apex is the most adorable town I have ever seen. It is literally like an old movie; with a little downtown main street with mom and pop shops on it. I have toyed with the idea of moving there once my lease is up here. So I went back to my book store today and got some new books to read. I have decided that this will be my new go to place when I am feeling down. It makes me feel like I am in a movie with the cute small town book shop that I sit at and drink coffee, where everyone knows your name (Is it weird that I am always picturing my life as a movie?) When your life is making you sad, there is nothing better than getting lost in someone else’s to make you feel better!
I also went and saw a movie by myself for the first time a few days ago. I think it is funny that I felt so weird about this; a movie is such a solitary thing- to sit in the dark in silence, yet I still felt so taboo doing it. However, I found the experience to be kind of empowering. I can go do things by myself and not keep myself from doing them because I cannot find someone to go with me. It was a weird realization for me. Another Big Girl moment.
There are many things in December that I am looking forward to. On Saturday, Raleigh is doing their Christmas tree lighting down town. This apparently is a big shin-dig and I am very excited for it. Pictures of this event from last year were one of the things that honestly made me want to move to Raleigh in the first place. And Sunday my mother has signed me up for some snow sledding thing. I am not sure what it will be but it should be cool (Literally!) Also, they set up a real ice rink outside down town! With REAL ice, not the plastic stuff we pretend is ice rinks in Florida. Camo Man will be coming up after Christmas and we are going to go skating and have a Serendipity moment! That has me really excited.
I think I am really sad that I see my life changing. Traditions that I have had my whole life are dissipating before my eyes. And as sad as that is, that is why I am here. That is what growing up is all about right? My family called me from Florida on Thanksgiving, and one of my cousins said something spot on, he said “We are all sad you aren’t here, but you do what you gotta do, we’ll always be here.” And I guess that is how it has to be from now on. For me to get what I want out of life, this is what I have to go through. And even writing about it now makes me feel better. It makes it a little bit okay.
This is my life. I chose to not take the easy route, and this is what I have given myself. And this is what I am going to do. I am no quitter, and I am going to get exactly what I want- Success. I am going to be a Big Girl.
But I still miss you all.
Love Always,
Elle
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