Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected. – Jimmy Cannon

So I spent all of Thanksgiving alone. Completely alone. And it really affected me much more than I thought. Everything here is so different than I anticipated. I knew I would be away from my friends and family. I know I made that choice. But I thought I would make new friends, create my own family. And nothing of the sort has happened. And I do not really know how to make it happen.

Black Friday was insane. I had a slight melt down where I locked myself in my office for 30 minutes and cried. Not to mention I was awake at 3:15 in the morning and worked a 13 hour shift, but I had horrible rude customers all day long screaming at me. I do not understand what is wrong with people. I do not understand what is wrong with our society. It makes me sick. And it makes me actively think about how I treat strangers, and even those not strangers, I interact with day to day. I made a promise to myself to never make some feel the way those awful people make me feel.

Since then things have gotten a little better here and there, small successes throughout the day. But December looks grim. From tomorrow, December 1^st, until Christmas day, I have 3 days off (and one of them is not Christmas Eve). I am trying to stay positive, but I just feel like there is no way it will not completely suck. Especially with the type of customers we have coming in lately. All I can pray for is that it will go by fast and I can go back to a somewhat normal life.

But I think what kills me the most is that I have nothing to look forward to. No one to lean on. So instead I will bitch to my blog audience that probably does not even really exist.

On the upside, I really do enjoy the Holidays- even if I have no one to enjoy them with. I decided I am going to get a mini Christmas tree to put on my counter top and decorate for myself! I especially love watching all the classic holiday clay-mation cartoons.

Today was one of the last days off I am going to have in a while. When I first moved here I stumbled upon this little used book store in Apex, NC. Apex is the most adorable town I have ever seen. It is literally like an old movie; with a little downtown main street with mom and pop shops on it. I have toyed with the idea of moving there once my lease is up here. So I went back to my book store today and got some new books to read. I have decided that this will be my new go to place when I am feeling down. It makes me feel like I am in a movie with the cute small town book shop that I sit at and drink coffee, where everyone knows your name (Is it weird that I am always picturing my life as a movie?) When your life is making you sad, there is nothing better than getting lost in someone else’s to make you feel better!

I also went and saw a movie by myself for the first time a few days ago. I think it is funny that I felt so weird about this; a movie is such a solitary thing- to sit in the dark in silence, yet I still felt so taboo doing it. However, I found the experience to be kind of empowering. I can go do things by myself and not keep myself from doing them because I cannot find someone to go with me. It was a weird realization for me. Another Big Girl moment.

There are many things in December that I am looking forward to. On Saturday, Raleigh is doing their Christmas tree lighting down town. This apparently is a big shin-dig and I am very excited for it. Pictures of this event from last year were one of the things that honestly made me want to move to Raleigh in the first place. And Sunday my mother has signed me up for some snow sledding thing.  I am not sure what it will be but it should be cool (Literally!) Also, they set up a real ice rink outside down town! With REAL ice, not the plastic stuff we pretend is ice rinks in Florida. Camo Man will be coming up after Christmas and we are going to go skating and have a Serendipity moment! That has me really excited.

I think I am really sad that I see my life changing. Traditions that I have had my whole life are dissipating before my eyes. And as sad as that is, that is why I am here. That is what growing up is all about right? My family called me from Florida on Thanksgiving, and one of my cousins said something spot on, he said “We are all sad you aren’t here, but you do what you gotta do, we’ll always be here.” And I guess that is how it has to be from now on. For me to get what I want out of life, this is what I have to go through. And even writing about it now makes me feel better. It makes it a little bit okay.

This is my life. I chose to not take the easy route, and this is what I have given myself. And this is what I am going to do. I am no quitter, and I am going to get exactly what I want- Success. I am going to be a Big Girl.

But I still miss you all.


Love Always,

Elle

Love Never Fails.

I know it has been such a long time since I wrote! So much has been happening lately.

Two weeks ago I officially finished my training. I had to present a big PowerPoint to all the executives in my store, including my store manager, and then the District Vice President came as well as the District HR director! It was a really big deal to have them come to my store just for me. I thought it went really well, hopefully they think so too! Then later on the day of my presentation, the store manager called a meeting, and when I walked into the office it was really a surprise party for me! Everyone had gotten me a cake and we all sat around for a little while just having fun, which is the first time that has ever happened on the clock! It was so nice of them and really made me feel like a part of the team for the first time.

Then, on the same day all of this happened I left work and went straight to the airport to fly to Florida for my vacation. It was so amazing and I wish I could still be there! I got to spend some time with my Daddy in Jacksonville, went shopping, saw the rest of my family, went to the beautiful Florida beaches and visited some of my favorite bars and such. Then later in the week Camo Man came and picked me up and I went to Tallahassee, Home of the Seminoles!  We went hunting, we went out to the gun range –which was a lot of fun even though I am pretty sure I still have a bruise. Then I got to meet up with one of my favorite little girls I used to coach! And he, being the most wonderful thing, had all my friends from Tallahassee surprise me for my birthday dinner! We had dinner, he baked me a cake, and then we went out to the bar to celebrate. It turned into one of those crazy Tallahassee nights that I miss so bad. Finally, I went and watched the Seminoles win an awesome football game, and got my private birthday dinner with my man! So I guess I really am 23 now, despite how much I try to deny it.

Where did all the time go??

It is insane how fast everything happens. And I hate it. College flew by far too quickly, and now I have already been in Raleigh for 3 months!? It blows my mind. Like I cannot compute it.

Thinking about that makes me feel like I have not utilized my time here. I am going to try to start making more of my time off; instead of just sleeping and going to work. I hope to explore more. I hope to meet some people and actually make a friend. A real one. At least one. It’s hard being in a city alone.

So when I got back from my vacation I switched departments since my training program is officially over. I am now in charge of handbags, accessories, fashion watches and fashion jewelry. I do not know what my store manager was thinking; sticking me down there to stare at Michael Kors all day long. But thus far (3 days in) I really do enjoy it and it think it will be a good department for me. The associates down there are a lot of fun. And so the holidays are beginning (Can you believe it is almost Thanksgiving?!) and also begins our 6-day work weeks. I have officially 5 days off for the entire month of December. It is going to be crazy, but hopefully, well worth it. I know it going to be the hardest being here alone during the holiday time.

But that is what being a Big Girl is all about right? It is all a part of growing up. But I still find myself wishing I was in college again. I think one day I will get over the feeling that this is all just some summer job and I am going back to class soon. But then again, I kind of hope I never do.

I am always trying to picture my life, but the picture is always changing. I could see myself going in so many different directions! There are so many possibilities! And I feel so lucky to have these possibilities in front of me, where others do not. It’s like a good reality TV show (not the horrible ones like Teen Mom) where I just have to watch what happens next! I am just livin’ this Big Girl life one day at a time.

Love always,

Elle