So I am sitting in my father’s humble but cozy house just a short bike’s ride away from the world renowned Florida beaches. Every time I come here I wonder why I dare to leave. It always gives me a reality check.
My father lives with no telephone, no cable, no internet- not even a computer in the house (I am bootlegging the neighbors wifi with my laptop to post this). The only reason the man has a cell phone is because his company forced him to. Being here always makes me rethink what I want in life. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be some high profile, ridiculously successful CEO, walking around in my fabulously fashionable tweed skirt suits and stilettos with red heels, in the style of Louis the XIV himself. But then this other huge part of me wants something entirely opposite. There are so many different lives I want to live; how can I converge them all?
How fun would it be to live on the beach like this without a care in the world? Where a bike suffices for everything you could possibly need. But is that actually reality? Could I be successful and be able to live a life like this? Everyone here seems to be an old hippie burn-out. While I do believe I could take a lesson from the stoners in the matter of relaxation, I think having some care in life is necessary.
But I am finding myself questioning everything I am doing; moving across the country to where I know nothing and no one. I always knew this would be the hard part. But at the same time this is exactly what I have always wanted.
Leaving Tallahassee felt surreal. I was surprisingly unemotional saying goodbye to my friends. Maybe that is because I was so hung over from the celebratory night before I could feel no emotion. I was feeling sad when I was close to my way out, until about 100 yards from the highway some ginger rear-ended me at a redlight! That overshadowed any other feelings I was having at the moment. What a way to go out in style.
I think, more than anything, right now I am feeling two major emotions.
Mostly, I am just anxious. While I enjoy home and will miss it, I do not enjoy driving around for a week with my entire life stuffed into my tiny little mustang. I also hate goodbyes. More than anything I just want to get to North Carolina and get settled in. But I do think then it will inevitably hit me and at some point, after I have hung all the pictures of my past life on the walls in my new city, I am going to stare and them and have a sob fest.
Secondly, I am terrified. I think I am more terrified of being alone than anything else. I am not good at making friends. And I have a terrible time trying to kills bugs on my own.
All in all, I do not know what to do or what I am really feeling- all I know is that I am doing it.
So goodbye beach, goodbye sunshine, goodbye Florida.
Hello snow? Gross. (That is the one thing I am definitely not looking forward to. Hopefully it will end up being the only thing.)
Wish me luck,
Love Always,
Elle
P.S. I miss you already.
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